Howdy, and welcome to a full reflection! (Woohoo!) Here is some angsty mood music to enjoy as you read… since my summary might be a bit uncomfortable (sincerely sorry):
Let’s cut right to the chase.
I found myself feeling deeply-unsatisfied by this week’s assignments. As you can tell from the audio week posts, I truly enjoy audio editing but my works this week did not reach the mental standard I was projecting on them. I believe a large portion of it is because I used my voice in them. No one forced me to pick assignments that would involve me using my voice, though I had visions and inspirations I wanted to fulfill. I like to think that I am confident in my body and my behavior, but my voice is what causes me the most insecurity. Even after pitching my vocals down, my voice sounds rather fake in my own ears because I know. I wonder if it would have been better to just go with my natural voice – someone told me it sounded deep this past week and it made my day – but many of these voices were ones I had imagined being voiced by someone with a lower range than I.
The rest comes from the fact that they feel incomplete. Upon reflecting, I think I would like to eliminate the 8-bit dungeon music (no matter how much I love it) and only use the “Shout” instrumental for my Infocom Commercial. I think I would like to transition the music in my reading of “Mnemonic” better, as well as completely redo “Beautiful Dreamer” with just humming. My radio show sticker should have the font altered and the extra lines edited out. I probably wouldn’t submit any of these things to a class if I had to see my instructor and peers in person. Presenting them would be even worse.
Now that I had time to finish everything, I was dismayed that none of it possessed any kind of “wow” factor. (Is super-rushed work better for me?) Not that I think all of my works are the best, but I like to think that they reach a certain standard. I continually find myself becoming less humble about these works as I shift into seeing them more as grades than creative outlets. I’ve been told that I am gentle and relaxed in person, though I feel like I come off with a certain attitude on my blogs. I’m always paranoid about my social etiquette. Text is so easy to misconstrue, yet it is my favorite method of communication. Writing my feelings here is therapeutic, though it may turn on me later.
On a more positive note, though, I did have fun coming up with the ideas for all of my projects! I felt like the commercial was unique and targeted my passions, and as I noted in that post, was my favorite assignment. I love “Beautiful Dreamer” and would love to re-visit it when I’m not wrapped up in what could be classified as ‘dysphoria’. I’m even more motivated to write: reading lots of 80s poems to find ‘the one’ was a really fun part to my week and I’m in the process of making an account on the NaNoWriMo website (National Novel Writing Month). The challenge was just trying to make all of my ideas cohesive at once and just trying to accept how I sound. If I don’t do those things, then I’m in for some trouble with the radio show. My harshest critic is myself.
I’d like to end with a haiku I made some time ago:
Happier than ISenior Year Sterling (High School Edition)
Is the one who lived a life
Just short of dreaming.
I’ll have to take this break week to update my older blog posts, comment, and evaluate my motivations. And, perhaps live just short of dreaming. What better way to do that than by reading?